Why feeling dismissed hurts so much and what to do about it

Eye roll …

Shoulder shrug …

Turning away …

Ignoring …

Feeling Dismissed Hurts

These are just a few examples of how someone can leave you feeling dismissed, invalidated, not taken seriously. And it hurts. It really hurts.

And you might wonder: am I overreacting?? It was just a remark, just an eyeroll …

Here is what’s going on:

Feeling dismissed hits you at a deeper level than you might be aware of. It hits you at nervous system level! And it triggers a primary survival response.

A Primary Survival Response

Let’s journey back in time for a moment to the time when our ancestors lived as hunter-gatherers. You probably know the story about how our nervous system is wired to detect physical danger to keep us safe. So when our ancestors spotted a tiger in the bush, their fight or flight system would switch on so they could ensure their survival. The same thing still happens today when you face a physical threat. You get a rush of adrenaline and your body is instantly prepared to fight or run, whichever seems to give you the best chance of survival.

Now, imagine what would happen if someone was banned from their tribe, they would not have been able to survive either. So, safety at a social level in the form of social acceptance was also incredibly important for their survival. And therefore, a threat to your sense of status or belonging is today still interpreted by the nervous system in the same way as physical danger!

Dismissal triggers a very primal survival response, because for our ancestors social acceptance equaled survival and being banned from the tribe did not. It was that simple.

Examples of behaviours or remarks that can feel dismissive

➡️ Please note that these behaviours don’t always mean dismissal! For example, someone may be uncomfortable with eye contact because they are autistic. There can be many other explanations and I don’t mean to judge anyone’s behaviour without knowing the context. The point is that these are common behaviours and remarks that can potentially leave you feeling dismissed.

Your confidence erodes over time when you feel dismissed repeatedly

Now you understand that when someone rolls their eyes at you or makes a condescending remark, your nervous system responds. Your fight or flight system switches on. You can’t think clearly anymore, because the blood drains from your prefrontal cortex, your logical decision making centre.

How do you feel when that happens? How do you respond? Do you push back (fight) or do you withdraw (flight)*? Both are nervous system survival responses, trying to protect you from being ‘banned from the tribe’.

(*Note: other variations of survival responses exist too, I will talk about that more in a future post)

When your thoughts, feelings or opinions are dismissed repeatedly, your confidence starts to erode. You begin to doubt yourself.

Have you ever wondered: “Maybe my feelings don’t matter?” “Maybe my opinions are stupid?” “Maybe my thoughts are not worth speaking?”

These kind of thoughts can really make a dent in your sense of self worth.

You may start to dampen your own feelings and beliefs, as you come to the conclusion that others seem to know better, you are not supposed to feel or think this way, your feelings and thoughts are not important. You may even distrust your own feelings. They must be wrong. You lose touch with yourself, your own identity and your capacity to make sound decisions. Consequently, you may find yourself in a state of anxiety and depression …

What to do now?

It all makes sense from a nervous system perspective. But if we would think about it more calmly and clearly, most of the time the consequences in the present day wouldn’t be that serious as for our ancestors and it would be more beneficial if you could respond from a place of clarity of mind and choose your own behaviour.

How would you like to be able to do that?

To be able to think clearly you need to calm your nervous system, so that the blood can flow back into your prefrontal cortex. This helps to calm your emotions and helps you make more objective and logical decisions. Clinical EFT can help you do that!

In the upcoming Tapping Circle we make a start. We will work on calming the nervous system in the face of these emotions so that you can begin to take back your inner power!

Join the Tapping Circle:

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