Are you an exhausted people pleaser?
Do you constantly try to please other people, to live up to all the expectations they seem to have of you? Does it never seem to be enough? Are you overextended, exhausted? Do you know deep down that you should look after yourself better? Yet you struggle with setting boundaries?
Is this you?
Two sides of the medal
Firstly, let me acknowledge the beautiful person that you are: you are highly tuned in to the needs of others, you have great empathy for their needs and always a willingness to help.
These are amazing gifts and traits!
The flip side, however, is that you are also very sensitive to the judgement of others. When they are not satisfied with what you give, you feel deeply rejected and an urge to try and make it right. When others communicate their expectations of you, you feel pressure to fulfill these expectations for a fear of being judged if you don’t.
Your gifts feel more like burdens to you …
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Somehow, it seems that everybody else’s needs are more important then your own. People appear to assume your endless giving, to be taking you for granted.
When you try to set boundaries you may experience quite hostile or dismissive reactions which make you feel guilty or embarrassed. You may default to apologising for your own needs or diminishing them. Or perhaps you just withdraw. Either way, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You are not alone!
It is an issue that many women and especially Highly Sensitive Women struggle with. You are not alone!
Women have learned from their culture that they are most valued for caring for others and that self care is a selfish thing to do. And so many of us therefore feel guilty to say no, to set boundaries. Like it’s a bad thing to do. When you are a Highly Sensitive Woman, you feel these emotions of guilt and fear of judgement even more intensely. This makes it really difficult to set boundaries. As a consequence you likely have turned into a people pleaser, at the cost of your own well-being.
Do you find yourself in this place where you struggle to set boundaries? Do you avoid the confrontation? Do you fear other people’s reactions? Do you feel guilty or ashamed about having needs of your own? Have you ended up in this place where you push feelings and needs away for the sake of others, to the extend that you have disconnected from your own needs in an attempt to protect yourself?
The internal stress prevents you from flourishing
Living like this causes a lot of internal stress for you, have you noticed? It prevents you from being able to seeing the positive side of the medal. It prevents you from seeing the beauty of your gifts instead of the burden. It prevents you from developing supportive relationships. It prevents you from feeling good and flourishing in your life. It prevents you from being in a place where helping others feels energising instead of draining.
So what’s going on here?
You are exhausted. You’ve been pushing away your own needs and feelings and have become disconnected from yourself. This takes its toll on your mental and physical health. It takes its toll on your relationships. It takes its toll on your cognitive level of functioning, whether at home or at work.
This disconnection may have led to you giving up on the idea of flourishing because it feels so impossible. You may have thoughts like ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘I am not good enough’.
But fortunately it is not impossible. And you do deserve it! And you are enough! 💚
How to set boundaries without feeling guilty – ‘tips’ from the internet
I’ve been checking out some articles on this specific question ‘How to set boundaries without feeling guilty?’ Here are some examples of well meant advice, from renowned Psychology websites:
- Be clear about what you want
- Setting boundaries is not selfish
- Expect resistance and don’t let it deter you
- Don’t apologise for your needs
- Practice
- Accept that the conversation may be difficult and cause uncomfortable feelings like remorse, guilt, or shame.
How helpful are these tips to you?
My guess is: not very much.
Wonder why? Let’s go over them one by one:
Be clear about what you want
Yes, of course being clear about what you want is necessary when you are trying to communicate your needs. My question is – how does this ‘tip’ help you to not feel guilty about communicating your needs?
The other issue with this one is that when you have disconnected from your own needs for a long time it is probably not going to be easy to be clear about what you want. You may not clearly know what it is that you really need. So this simple statement is not going to help you get that clarity ….
Setting boundaries is not selfish
Yes, I absolutely agree. It is true. But the question is, do you really believe that? Chances are, you don’t. You may understand it with your rational mind but deep down you have a belief that setting boundaries is selfish and wrong in some way. And this belief is what is causing you to feel guilty when you try it – even when you tell yourself with your mind that ‘setting boundaries is not selfish’. Doing that is simply not enough to release that belief. So … yes this makes sense, but it is not really dissolving your feelings of guilt.
Expect resistance and don’t let it deter you
Well, that’s a good one, isn’t it? I can only imagine the feeling in your stomach when you read this ‘tip’! ‘Don’t let it deter you’, how do you do that? They didn’t explain that, by the way.
Don’t apologise for your needs
Again, this is great advice. You may be able to apply doing this. But does it make you feel less guilty? Again, probably not. All these tips are not dealing with the root cause of your problem, which is why they don’t work for you and you still feel just as uncomfortable.
Practice
Practice what? Practice not feeling guilty? How?
What they probably meant was practice setting boundaries. And, yes, setting boundaries is a skill which needs practice. But before you begin to do that you need to look at the foundation of your problem or you will end up in the same patterns of trying, getting negative reactions and feeling guilty no matter how hard you practice.
Accept that the conversation may be difficult and cause uncomfortable feelings like remorse, guilt, or shame
I think you already know that the conversation may be difficult and those uncomfortable feelings are exactly what you fear. Simply accepting the fact is not going to help you to not feel these feelings….
Do you see what all these tips have in common? It is almost like you should be able to just not feel guilty miraculously. Or maybe with a bit of practice. But no-one really tells you how to do it!
So how do you really set boundaries without feeling guilty?
I have struggled with these issues for most of my life and here is what I have learned:
Firstly, you will need to restore the connection with yourself and release all that inner stress.
The best, easiest, most gentle and enjoyable way to restore the connection with yourself is through connecting with nature! Why? Because nature connection is the foundation on which you can release and recover from stress and overwhelm and find a better well-being in many ways. Being well and connected with nature is your natural state, but unfortunately we tend to have forgotten…. Indigenous Peoples know, science has proven it. Nature Connection is the basis of your health and well-being!
Guilt is not your natural state. It is a secondary emotion. This means it is a learned emotion. You may have learned to feel guilty from your parents, your family, your teacher at school or the wider culture. Secondary emotions often mask what you truly feel and therefore cause a disconnect from self.
Flip that medal!
As you develop a connection with nature, you will begin to come back to your natural state. You will find that you begin to reconnect with yourself, you will find your sense of calm and experience more positive emotions. This will lead to you beginning to feel more confident.
From there, you are ready to transform your life big time by tackling your personal inner barriers and belief systems. This will open you up to be able to set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty. For real! I promise! You will have broken out of the old patterns and you will now be able to apply all those tips I discussed above. They can now help you to develop the skill of boundary setting and it will become easier and easier.
Also you will now be able to flip to the other side of the medal and be able to see and to use your gifts in a positive way. Imagine what your life could look like!! The sky is the limit!
DIY or take the fast train?
So this is your road map to setting boundaries without feeling guilty in general terms. You can see that it is a personal journey. so for the specifics you need to dive a bit deeper. Are you ready to go on this journey?
You are welcome to use everything I’ve shared and do it yourself. But if you want to get there fast, you will need a bit of help. I can teach you how to connect with nature and with yourself in a few simple steps and I can coach you to help you identify and break through your personal inner barriers, get clear on what it is you want and need and set you up for success in acquiring your new skills in boundary setting.
Sounds good? I would love to invite you to book a Free Discovery Session so that I can help you on your way. 💚
You can also email me with any comments or questions:
